The older I get the more I feel compelled to tell my truth. So on my 41st birthday here are my six truths.
As moms we have to be the pillar of strength, the rock everyone leans on and the glue that holds everything together. But the question is when we fill up the cup of others who fills up ours? And at times why do we feel empty? So I wanted to write a post to talk about my truth’s as a wife, a mom and woman… here is my disclaimer it is honest and raw and my about my experiences! Don’t judge me just read.
1. #MyTruth… There are times where I feel so overwhelmed at work and at home. I get so many demands placed on me and extra responsibilities from both where I feel like I am just getting by or barely making it. If I am excelling at one the other seems to decline.
2. #MyTruth… At times I think about if I am making the right decisions for my children. I often wonder if they feel loved? Will they 20 years from as an adult think I was a good mom? Will they feel like I was present in their lives?
3. #MyTruth… I worry if Ralph will be able to be independent? Will he graduate with a high school diploma, will he have friends, will he ever experience true love and to have a family? I wonder if Mackenzie feels like, "it’s all about Ralph" and she feels like we forget about her. I worry I may be too hard on her at times because I expect more from her. I pray she will not have to learn the hard lessons about life that “not everyone deserves your kindness”, like I had to, because she will already know it. She will already know people will take advantage of her giving spirit if she doesn’t protect her heart. I worry if something happens to me or my husband she will be left to care for Ralph and will not be able to live her life. I never want her not to experience life or put it on hold because she has to worry about Ralph. I pray as Ralph gets older he is able to manage his behavior and outbursts and be able to communicate what he is feeling, because as an African American male living in this world no one would ask if he is on the spectrum or autistic they will just use force. How do I tell him being a black male in America is already two strikes against you and having a disability makes it 20 times hard to make it.
4. #MyTruth… At times I feel like I am not enough for my family and work. I give and give but who gives back to me? I fill others cup but mine remains empty. Who makes me feel important and appreciated. They tell you to take time for yourself and do things that make you feel special but when do you have the time when you are being pulled in a million different directions. You can do a million things right but the one time you drop the ball that’s what’s remembered and gets called out. Do they even care how thoughtful you are? Or about the attention to detail you have in all that you do, the thoughtful gifts, gestures and the compassion for all? Do they see the effort? Do they appreciate it? I give not for recognition or acceptance but for my own inner peace. But one thing that gets my blood boiling is being taken for granted.
5. #MyTruth… Some days I feel stuck in a rut where I am in this valley of life where I am just on autopilot just existing in it and not really living it. I have a great job and I love most of the people I work with but I feel I missing something. I want to do more and be more. I want to help kids just like my son and daughter. Uplift people when they feel trapped or feel like they have there is nowhere to turn, and be that person who makes a difference in my family’s life and the lives of others.
6.#MyTruth… I don’t want to have to feel like I have to fit in just because I look different than everyone else around me. Or bite my tongue because I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable by being present. Or not be able to express myself through my attire and my hair because it is deemed too ethnic. I have to be ultraconservative with straight hair and basic colors. I want to be able to celebrate my beautiful brown skin, my coarse hair, thick lips and curvy hips without being made to feel society is condemning it. Be bold and colorful without saying a word. I want to be celebrated and looked at as an equal. When I speak I want to heard, and my presence felt. When I look at the reflection in the mirror I see a woman first, who is beautiful, intelligent and strong who just happens to be black. I see one who puts God first, who is a loving wife and mother and one who will not tolerate the ignorance of others racism, judgements, bigotry and prejudice. I am super compassionate, family oriented and want to foster change in the world we live in. One thing I love about myself is my ability to dream and my work ethic, “Anything worth having is worth working hard for…”! “If you dream it you can achieve it!...” You just have to know your worth...and I AM PRICELESS (#Iampriceless)!!!
I release these truths only to realize they mostly consist of my fears, doubts and insecurities. Realizing the only way to grow and receive your blessings is become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Being comfortable is really a being stagnant, in order to make dreams a reality you cannot let your fears and insecurities drive you. Know you cannot please everyone, you cannot make person happy it's a conscious effort, because someone will always be mad at you for something. And stop being scared to try new things. Take a chance and just try, so what if you fail; a failure only happens when you do not learn from it. My 41st year in existence will be taking risks, letting go of my fears and doing things that make me happy! Say what you want I WILL be living my best life!
I am always reminded where I pull my strength from, God is forever present and always on time. Here are a few quotes to help you get out of your own way!
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
“Tell everyone who is discouraged, Be strong and don’t be afraid! God is coming to your rescue…” Isaiah 35:4
“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” Psalm 55:22